"Laughter is life's sweetest

Dear Santa

2009-12-18T11:21:00.001-08:00

This year, I would like a lottery ticket with jackpot written all over it. Thanks.

Mom & Dad

2009-12-06T01:49:00.000-08:00

You are by far the most amazing people I know.

Wish List :)

2009-12-03T16:23:00.000-08:00

A "just in general and has nothing to do with Christmas" wish list. :) In no particular order, obviously I am bored.

Blue Scholars T-Shirt
Pocket Dictionary
Pocket Thesaurus
A tiny hoop earring for my cartilage piercing.
A new pair of silver wings earrings, I lost the ones Timothy bought me :(
Microsoft Office Publisher 2007
Windows 7 !!
Adobe Photoshop CS4
A desk mouse for my laptop.
A purple laptop case!
A Pikachu plush to cuddle with me at night :)
Someone to re-install Cool Edit Pro onto my laptop.
Body wash from Bath & Body Works, specifically Japanese Cherry Blossom or Cherry Blossom
Bath & Body Works to re-shelf the scent "Country Apple" because it is irresistible.
A new set of sharpie pens and a drawing pad I can doodle in :)
Another Pokemon T-shirt with Squirtle or Bulbasuar on it. I already have Pikachu :D
Pokemon Indigo League DVD Collector's Box Set Episodes 1-27.
Smallville Season 8!
A new, better and more fluffy pillow.
A job.
Purple high-top Chuck Taylor Converses.
Yellow Vans w/laces.
Purple Vans w/laces.
Black Vans w/laces.
more VANS!! :) No checkered ones.
A cake from the Cheesecake Factory with extra strawberries.
A giant bottle of Whipcream.
Bacon <3
French Vanilla Ice Cream.
A rich person to pay for my Tuition at Western Washington University.
To get to stay at Western Washington University & not have to go to Bellevue College.
A house in Bellingham :D
A winning lottery ticket so I can get all this stuff for myself :)

Fact.

2009-11-24T17:35:00.000-08:00

Truth is, I am so blessed. The harder things become, the more bombs life throws at me, the more hardships I experience, the more I realize how lucky I am to have who and what I still have. I become more grateful and happy every day. I know that nobody is perfect, and there are plenty of flaws out there many won't hesitate to address. But words are only weapons if they hurt and I've build rock solid skin and a big heart with space only made for love and happiness. Don't be fooled by the smile & most definitely don't be pissed off by my optimism. I fully understand the severity of how bad our economy is and how ugly war can be. I keep note on how evil people can get and how unfair life can be. I can sit here and tell you the story of how sad poverty is, I've lived it. But I'm not. It's made me stronger, build me up to love and appreciate what I have. It's taught me to have empathy and compassion for those whose suffered or those currently enduring.

I've found a reason to smile out of a chaotic childhood, & continue to find reasons to smile no matter how chaotic life gets. When the world tries to bring me down I sit on top of it and lift the people I love up with me. Love fuels my fire and I am surrounded by it & intend to keep it that way. I'm a strong young woman, I tell myself that every day. I grasp tightly onto everything I care about, I don't give up on people easy and I make sure of it. Heads up to life, there is no breaking me.

2009-11-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

..

2009-11-16T17:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish someone would show up at my door with a bouquet of roses, possibly even a box of chocolate and surprise me. I love surprises.

Because I care for you so much

2009-11-11T04:57:00.001-08:00

To start your day, I'd like to tell you that I love you more than words. You mean a great deal in my life, so don't ever think that you are useless to anyone. You're a great son, brother, godfather, student, and further more, an amazing friend. Never forget your value to the world, because you are worth more than you feel sometimes. I know life can be hard, deafening and oftentimes very miserable. I can't say that I can relate to your struggles or your growing pains, but i could say that you are not alone. I'm there for you, though I know sometimes my friendship feels empty, I can't be there for you in physical terms, but emotionally you have me 100%. Life isn't easy, it's a truth I wont hesitate to say. But please believe that I'm rooting for you, everyone is rooting for you. Your friends, teachers, boss, co-workers, even your family, deep down inside somewhere, we all want you to be happy. To live life with all kinds of joy and happiness, because you are deserving of so much. Timothy I care for you so much that honestly tears are starting to make it's way down my cheeks as I type this. I can't stand to see you hurting or feeling the things that you are right now. I know life isn't a simple walk down the park, but sometimes I do wish it were for you. You are such an amazing person, do you know that? So amazing sometimes I can't believe that you exist. But I'm glad that you exist, you make the world such a better place. Community service, leadership, your unconditional care for the people around you. And the love, the love you have for your family, your friends, you are so full of compassion and strength unmatched by anyone I know. So don't give up, do what you love, "It's not what you do, its how you do it" so do it with passion and confidence. Ignore what others say or think, its your life, your happiness to judge. You will find prosperity and happiness, you know why i know this? Because you're Timothy Phong Ho, my best friend. And I have SOOOO much faith in you, just have faith in yourself. I love you, keep fighting.

Melt My Heart To Stone by Adele

2009-11-02T21:15:00.001-08:00

Right under my feet there's air made of bricks
Pulls me down turns me weak for you
I find myself repeating like a broken tune
And I'm forever excusing your intentions
And I give in to my pretendings
Which forgive you each time
Without me knowing
They melt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love

Each and every time I turn around to leave
I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed
So desperately I try to link it with my head
But instead I fall back to my knees
As you tear your way right through me
I forgive you once again
Without me knowing
You've burnt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love

Why do you steal my hand
Whenever I'm standing my own ground
You build me up, then leave me dead

Well I hear your words you made up
So I say your name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love.

Why I can't love you like I want to.

2009-11-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

You don't caress my face the way I want you to. You don't play with my hair the way I wish you would. You don't kiss me as gently as I kiss you. You don't play with my hands or wrap your fingers into mines. There is so much passion in my heart that I want to share with you, so much affection that I have to give. And you're just a hallow wall, so placid but impossible to get through to. I go about see through so that you can understand how bad I want to feel that you care, is it so hard?

You make me feel like a prize more than a person. When I walk away you hold me close, when I'm close you walk away. For the longest I've been patient, tolerant and trying. And for the longest I feel so unnoticed, unappreciated. Where is the compassion I feel so much deserving of? Am I asking for too much? For you to not be so emotionally monotonic when I need the support and comfort? When my eyes are swelling up with tears, why do I feel like you're smiling on the other line? I have a feeling that the only feeling you feel about me is anger and jealousy when I'm not doing what pleases you. Please believe that I have so much to give. But this one person relationship is beginning to take a toll on my emotional wellness. I do hope you realize that material things means nothing when mentally you make me feel so alone. I'm sure that there is nothing new that I haven't told you yet, these issues have been so constantly repetitive don't feel surprised when I say that I'm getting awfully tired of all of this. I can't love you like I want to, you make it so impossible. I open up my heart so that I can be loved. Though you claim you do, I don't feel like you're telling me the truth. Instead of affection all I have is dagger wounds. So please stop. If you care at all, please, stop. If you can't love me any better, just don't bother at all.

For my best friend's eyes. You would know.

2009-10-29T01:39:00.000-07:00

It rains so much in Bellingham. I was walking alone earlier. I can't say that I hated it, I love the feeling of being tickled gently on every square inch of my face and hands. I also can't say that I love it, there's just something about the quiet murmurs of rain drops that makes it impossible to not get stuck inside my head.

I tend to let my mind wander when I'm by myself, I end up getting lost inside my thoughts. Very bitter thoughts, actually. They seem to have lost their sugary sweet taste. In my thoughts I become more deeply contemplative about my life, what it is and what it could have been. Now I can't tell you that I have no regrets, although I like to play it tough and say that I never do. I just don't love the idea of dwelling in the past, or at least that's what I would say to you.

I know you wonder why I say I hurt so much inside. Sometimes I don't understand it for myself. To start, nineteen days ago would be the anniversary of a murder we all deny to plead guilty. It hurts, the dreams I still have to this date. Sometimes I wonder if I am now completely alone, the only person left on this planet who still recalls the emotional thrusts, the swaying motion of time spinning backwards and life undone. Sometimes I wonder how chaotic I've came to be.

Now moving on, I don't understand why I can easily allow others to hurt me so much. They say what can't kill you makes you stronger, but I feel like if I were to repeat the last two years of my life, I would have still sat there and endure every verbal abuse that were thrown at me, taken in every body slams against the hard cold walls and give in to my hope that love will pull me through. I thought that by walking away and closing that chapter of my life ,I have thickened my shield and no one would ever be able to break down my guard as easy as the last. But I am more wrong than I could ever be. Love was such an easy thing for me to give.... so I have opened my heart again before the previous scar had even healed. Now it pains me to know that there is a possibility that I won't ever make it out of here a complete person.

Of all the many problems I have managed bestow upon myself, there is one that hurts me so much more. Loss. I can't prevent loss, neither can I deal with it. I have never experienced tears the way I have in the past week of my life. I have never witnessed a person pouring painful buckets of tears for a good long hour, until I saw my face in the mirror last Sunday afternoon. I stared at her picture for so long I came to wonder if doing so would bring her back.

There's a particular pace that our world spins in that makes it incredibly hard to speed walk past our problems. It's as if the motion and the timing is particularly paced the way it is so that we have to stop and analyze every painful aspect of our lives, whether or not we want to. In a city where it rains back every feeling and emotion I've ever felt, I wonder where I should go to channel all this pain. I can only do what I do best. Grasp onto laughter. Eventually all these feelings will subside.

I can't believe myself.

2009-10-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

Three years ago I went to bed wondering how many lives I have changed today. Wondering how many people would show up at the food bank for me to help serve tomorrow, or wondering if I've completed my day's busy schedule by tonight. Yesterday I went to sleep wondering why he called me so late, how many people have started to follow me on Twitter & why my Facebook dislikes me so much. Since when did I become so self absorbed into my own life that I've forgot the dedication and joy I've had for giving? For giving blood when I was politely asked to, giving bags of donated clothing, giving change to the needy and serving food in the cold streets of Seattle for those less fortunate without a home. I've been so blinded by the tiny problems of my own that I forgot to serve for the problems of the world. Change don't require dimes so why can't I find the sense to be less self-absorbent? Years do take a toll on your attitude and mines need a new direction. Time to pick up that old passion and make pavement for a new map.

Holding

2009-10-27T00:22:00.000-07:00

I wish you want me as good as I want you. I wish you knew how I know how it feels to wait up all night, & half the time all I get is a "goodnight". No, my nights are never good when I can't fall asleep assured that you understand how good it aches to know that you're mines, but only too far away. I get bruises on my brain when I over contemplate on how under contemplative you are of what we have. And in the silence of your presence I feel so breathless I wonder if you can feel my heart pounding to the rhythm of your soul. I want to reach out, caress your cheeks. Assertive that they're the only ones I want to kiss. & in the bitter moments of our lives, I can always look into your eyes and be told with words unsaid that I'm the only one for you to hold.

In Dedication,

2009-10-25T19:14:00.000-07:00

I saw a picture of us today, I'm surprised at how much I've grown in the last four years that you've known me, under your aid and guidance. Your hair - it looks so different from the past, your smile still remains the same. The warm smile that enlightens me, welcomes me, show me warmth and friendship. In your absence I have cried so much. Tears of pain, that you're gone. Tears of assurance, that you're in a better place, so beautiful, equivalent to your heart of gold. I miss you, not only your presence, your laughter, but the thought of being able to visit and seek you for guidance when I need it. You were, and still, such a wonderful woman. An amazing teacher, furthermore, a great friend. And I never got a chance to truly tell you, how much you are appreciated. I appreciate you so much. One of these days I'll see you again, & hug you, even though you find hugs rather a little awkward. Then, I can finally be able to tell you, how much you mean to me. I love and miss you, Robin Hoof.

Facing the Music

2009-08-29T02:54:00.000-07:00

Someone close to my heart once told me to "face the music", even when it's unbearable. Although this person has long since walked out of my life, I remember growing stronger under their wings and then being able to grow a pair of my own. Flying away I look back and ponder where my life would have been if I was never introduced to the journey we both had endured together. Easier said than done, as I try to find closure I try to understand the meaning of fate and why things started... and ended, the way it did. I used to never believe in having a predestined future, but when I think about it, how else was I to end up here? I find no absolute reason to why I had to go through what I did, just to leave with a distant memory and a faint scar.

They say that your future is in your hands, so why is my present not how I had planned it in my past? I feel like a misdirected compass. Not able to depict North between South or East between West, I feel like I am being misguided by a stronger force out there, leading me to endless trails of mistakes, let alone, more than enough heartbreaks. The alterations of my intended path leaves me with a destination without a map. Obscurely I now wonder if the past four years of my life have been worth the trouble and if my present now have been worth the wait. I have faced the music, even when it became unbearable, still the song plays louder as a nightmare in my head. Should I find a different rendition to hum to or should I wait for the sounds to die down? I guess life is a journey that will continuously surprise me with it's uncharted paths, if I don't keep moving forward, who knows, there may never be any music at all.

Laughter is life's sweetest secret.

2009-08-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

" 'Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy, and celebration. The hummingbirds delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest secret.'

This is to a girl that strides to make a difference. Her will and determination is unmatched by anyone I know. To her everyone is beautiful. To her, the world, similar to life itself, is rich in beauty. She has taught me how to live carefree, and to be accepting of others. She has taught me to love life for what it is and to disregard the tiny flaws of the world."

- Written by an unforgettable friend.

Yesterdays' Adventures, Today's Memories

2009-08-16T23:29:00.000-07:00

He completes my everyday smile.

2009-08-12T22:28:00.000-07:00

NOVA, November 23, 2008 :)
If anything, I know he can put a smile on my face :)

Adopted January 22, 2009

2009-08-09T20:16:00.001-07:00

Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart.

—Robert Sexton

My Bestfriend,

2009-08-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

We are different, which makes us more alike :) It's great to have someone to turn to when your world crashes down, it's better to know that there's someone out there who can always make you laugh. Even if we oftentimes have disputes, he is overall my moral support & the only friend I can rely on for anything at all, including quick walks to the market for orange juice :) He's the only person I know who puts a pillow over my head while I'm crying & tells me to quiet down, & the only person I will ever allow to tell me how gross I look in the mornings. The only person who I've ever spent hours with singing along to Youtube music videos. He's the only person who skips school with me because we both had food poisoning & the only person whos' mother would end up walking the freeway with me. He's the only person who would smack me in the face with a sock & then ask me "whats wrong?" & smack me again. The only person who drapes underwear over my head while we are doing laundry in front of my parents & then laugh about it. It's amazing to think that there is so much more of "the only persons" I can say about him, lol. I'm just glad such a person exists, & I'm happy he's in my life. :)

I wish.

2009-08-07T17:11:00.000-07:00

I am not strong. Not for myself, not for anybody else. I'm eager to grow tougher, cause I do need the skin to keep proceeding, to keep moving forward. I'm held back by my weakness, and I can't seem to grow anymore. The skin I'm in, I hate it. I want to tear it off and be someone else. Strip myself of my pain and be somebody different. Somebody who can withstand life without anger, without temptations, without impatience. I can't stand myself sometimes, I can't stand how I break so easy. I feel so, DAMAGED. Mangled up and broken. I expect to be happy, but the more I strive to be the further it is to reach. Someone tell me, is it me? My insecurities? If I were someone else how would I be like? Still, same? I wish I were stronger, for myself and for everybody else.

My Heart has grown wings

2008-08-12T01:14:00.001-07:00

Pen on my paper, song in my head.
My words feels like needles grasped tight by a thread
Hectic my feelings, tempted my heart
Spilling emotions and I'm falling apart
Urging temptations to just walk away
Clouded are thoughts as my visions astray

Craving sensations to be skin to skin
Confused by your touch & our emotions
I know that it's wrong, but it feels so right
To only grasp for your body and hold on tight
Reading your heart, i want none of that
I can't face to hurt you, so just take it back

That tingly feeling is slipping away
I hold onto love, convince me to stay
I've bottled a ship wreck & I'm ready to sink
In your absence the truth will allow me to think

Over the year my heart has grown wings
It's learned how to speak up, it's ready to sing
It's reaching the high note, a beautiful sound
But my heart stopped and screeched, it's wings are now bound
My child is struggling to set sight for her flight
I can hear her crying alone every night.
I tap to her beat, tell her it's okay
Love will light a road and lead her the way
She starts to beat faster, she knows that i lie
She knows that I'm hurting, we both can't deny

So I'll say it now, and i'm making it clear
I'll put away those wings, and I'll persevere
I love you so, just wanted you to know
I don't want to fly, I'm letting that go.
You can threaten to leave, or you can stay
But without my wings, i can still walk away ."